How to Handle Feedback Gracefully
The idea of getting feedback used to fill me with terror. I grew up with a hypercritical father. I never felt like I could ever do anything right.
But, I soon learned that receiving feedback from people with good intentions is a powerful way to grow!
But did I always take it well?
No.
Sometimes feedback is hard to take. Sometimes I got mad or defensive.
Sometimes I would silently fume.
But I’ve gotten a lot better at it over the years.
Here are some lessons I’ve learned over the years about how to handle feedback gracefully.
Why is it hard to handle negative feedback?
Know that if you are having a hard time with negative feedback, it’s because of one of 3 reasons
1) There’s a part of you that believes what was said was true.
It could be a very small part! But if you find yourself defending yourself, you might be trying to save your ego.
If the feedback wasn’t something you resonated with, you wouldn’t feel the need to waste your time defending it
2) It might be triggering a larger belief you have about yourself, how people see you, or how people perceive others.
For example, it could be triggering beliefs such as:
“No one gives me the benefit of the doubt.”
“People don’t respect me.”
“I can’t please anyone.”
“No matter what I do, it’s not enough.”
3) It might be destructive.
If you don’t believe the person giving you feedback wants you to succeed, and they can’t seem to find a way to be kind, then they might be reflecting and projecting their own issues on you. I’ve realized there are some people who I’ll never be able to satisfy. I’ve learned in the larger scheme of things, to focus on the feedback of people who want me to thrive, rather than to waste my energy with the naysayers.
So if you feel yourself getting defensive, or angry, it’s time to gently get curious about why you might be upset.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to handle the negative feedback:
Why am I reacting this way?
Does this person want me to do better?
Is there some part of me that believes this is true?
Is there anything I can learn from this feedback?
Is this feedback substantiating a belief I have about myself?
Is this feedback substantiating a belief I have about how others feel about me?
Is this feedback substantiating a belief I have about others?
What would happen if I didn’t hold on to these beliefs?
We place an enormous amount of effort in preserving and defending our sense of who we are or how we want to be perceived. In other words, we defend our ego.
But what if we changed our self-perception to NOT be tied to achievements, but to how we live our lives?
What if we valued ourselves and others by how we handle difficult situations, how we treat others, by our persistence, and how we take feedback?
If we tie our egos to our achievements, we can spend a lot of time trying to get there. We feel bad about ourselves if we don’t, and if we do get there, we are vulnerable when things don’t go as we hoped.
Because I was so relentlessly criticized as a kid, any negative feedback I received just reinforced my own negative self-perception. In my effort to preserve my ego, I’d get defensive.
Defending our egos can also lead to narcissistic behavior, a sense of entitlement if we are lucky enough to achieve our goals, and a devaluation of others.
I finally reached that point when I realized that in order to grow, I had to be able to take feedback gracefully. I used the Emotion Code and Body Code to release my feelings of defensiveness, and released barriers to being open to feedback.
After clearing my patterns, I noticed that I was started to unpack my sense of self that I had tried so hard to defend. Yes I wanted to be seen as smart, and accomplished. But was being right more important than being nice or receptive to others? I decided it wasn’t. I needed to let go of defending my image, and focus how I live my life, and how I interact with others.
If we tie our egos to our day-to-day actions, rather than our accomplishments, then there is always room to grow and learn and be better. We may or may not reach our goals, but we can gain satisfaction that we did the best with what we had, and feel good about ourselves for that.
Getting insightful feedback from others is a powerful way to grow. When we get feedback, we can choose to embrace it, or ignore it if it doesn’t resonate. And if we find ourselves cringing, or getting defensive, thank the person who’s given you the feedback, step back, remove yourself if needed, and get curious about your response.
