How to Deal with Toxic People
We all have people in our lives who we have to see, but would rather not. Insensitive co-workers, passive-aggressive family members, or even the surly mechanic that rotates your tires. They say things that dig at you and leave you feeling worn out.
So what do we do if we can’t avoid those people that drive us slightly batty?
Below are five things we can do to keep our sanity when we encounter a toxic person:
1.) Change your perspective
Have you noticed that some people don’t seem fazed by a person that feels toxic to you? Are they just being nice? Maybe, but it’s more likely that they don’t share your perspective.
Gary Craig, the founder of Emotional Freedom Technique, says that he believes, “Every person is always doing the best that they can”.
While this can be hard to believe at first, we have to remember that most people who are annoying to us are unaware of how their behavior is negatively impacting others. They don’t have the benefit of seeing themselves from the other side. Another possibility is because of their accumulative life experiences, their behavior is being hijacked by their amygdala, the emotional centers of their brain. And in fact, your reaction to this person is also based on your accumulative life experiences. Thus if the toxic person is subconsciously reminding you of someone else in your life that triggered you, you might be more reactive than say your neighbor, who just so happens to be a Buddhist monk.
2.) Remind yourself to look for the good in people
As annoying as people can be sometimes, they always have strengths and inner beauty. Sometimes that just takes a little drawing out. Ask questions that remind them of their strengths or passions, like, “Do you have a personal passion project that you are working on?”, or “What gets you up in the morning?”. According to Rick Hanson, the author of “Hardwiring Happiness”, an extra benefit of seeing the good in others is that it helps you be more confident and loving.
3.) Empower people to be at their best
Difficult people are usually acting the way they are because of subconscious fears of not being valued. Vanessa Van Edwards from the Science of People says you can make them feel valued by asking them to do you a favor or play an important role. It will force them to be at their best behavior and it will give you a chance to see them shine.
4.) Redirect negativity
Sometimes people go into negative cycles of incessant complaining; you’ll quickly realize they aren’t looking for solutions but they just want to complain. Why? Because these people are usually seeking the validation that they have never gotten. They need to know that someone has heard them and that they aren’t crazy. Try validating their feelings by acknowledging their pain, using their words so that they feel heard. If you are getting tired of their complaints, try a technique from Non-violent Communication: “When you ____________, I feel____________, and then express your needs. For example, “When you frame things this way, I feel helpless and hopeless. Would you willing to explore what is possible? If they continue being negative, try the next step.
5.) Remove yourself from the situation
Sometimes to be with the people we love, we can end up being stuck in the same room as negative people. But if they are driving you batty, you have the right to politely remove yourself from the conversation. Using the technique from NVC above, you can say something like, “When you frame things this way, it fills me with despair. I need to shift to a more optimistic conversation. Is that something you can do?” If they don’t seem to be able to do that, then at least they will know why you’ve chosen to pick up a magazine instead of talking to them!
We can all drop into negative spaces at various times in my life. Its important for us to have relationships where we can talk about both the positive and negative. But if you find that a person drains your energy, for your own mental health, you might need to limit your interactions with them.
However, if the person is toxic or abusive, and if you feel worse about yourself in your relationship with them, you may need to consider removing yourself from the relationship all together. You were not put on this earth to endure abuse! But if the toxic person is a family member, seek professional support to find out how you can minimize their ability to harm you, or others in the family.
Above all, remember, you deserve to be treated well and with respect! When you fully grasp this not only mentally, but emotionally, you won’t take what they say personally or need to get defensive. If you fully grasp your value, you won’t have any desire to engage with toxic people. You’ll see their behavior as being reflective of a problem they are struggling with, and not one that you need to get sucked into.
I speak from experience. It is possible to change your relationship with yourself so that you value your mental health above those who drain your energy. All this is possible with the right methods.
